Farid El-Nomany red transparent
Farid El-Nomany red transparent

4#: Lovers become parents

4#: Lovers become parents

Lovers become parents

Lovers become parents

We were lovers before we were parents!

I am firmly convinced that in parenthood the memory of the origin, namely that we were once lovers before we became parents, must be upheld and consciously lived. In short: Keep love alive!

In the beginning everything is easy and the sky is full of violins, when the first months and years with the offspring come into life. All the small and big sacrifices fall easily, the barely slept night, the once again canceled party, the restaurant meal, which can be enjoyed only a little, because the kids fully misbehave and are simply much too loud. The life of the parents changes in favour of the offspring. It's like a passing of the baton of active and conscious living to the offspring. This has its own beauty too and in part it makes a lot of sense.

And then at some point there is a barely noticeable transition. It becomes unquestioning to be there for the kids and to neglect each other as lovers. It is natural to be there for the kids at great cost and energy as parents in presence - almost no matter what they want.

A supposedly normal development, but one that is very unhealthy, both for the original lovers and for the offspring!

At the same time, it is the quiet death of the couple relationship. The lovers who once were, hardly get to spend time together in peace. And here begins a dangerous and at the same time avoidable misdevelopment.

And this is perhaps the most surprising and challenging realization: sacrificing for the offspring is not as good for the offspring as the sacrificial parents may think! The less time there is for the former lovers, the higher the likelihood that they will not be able to walk the path together to the end ("growing old together"). When everyday life strikes over the years, at some point the memory is no longer enough that they were once lovers after all, and the manifold dangers and threats of everyday married life come damn close! A separation becomes conceivable and with it the maximum worst-caseInstead of leading the children into life together and accompanying them as a couple, many couples suddenly separate and the offspring grow up in two separate households.

Lovers become parents - what now?

I like to say to our children: The time we spend alone as a married couple, without them, is an opportunity to not only grow old together as a married couple, but also as a healthy and happy family! It is an investment in an intact and loving marriage that can serve as an example for our children!

To put it bluntly, investing in time together reduces the risk of divorce or separation and therefore benefits not only the lovers, but definitely the children as well! Loving time is relationship time and an investment in tomorrow together, both as a couple and for the family!!!!!!

I will now give you 3 simple and easy to implement top tips to keep love alive in everyday life, this from someone who has been happily married to the same woman for 18 years now and has three children!

1.) Make an appointment as a couple and put it in the calendar as firmly and bindingly as you would do this for any appointment for the children or for the job. If the date cannot be kept, it may only be rescheduled and not cancelled. What exactly you do in your couple time is of course up to you, just make sure you spend it as a couple and in peace! This could be a quiet dinner together, a trip to the cinema or even time for physical encounters!

2.) Remember what you have always loved to do and try to do it at least once a quarter! This can be just as much a trip to the movies, a get together with friends, or any other event; just get out there and show up, live!!!! You can usually find someone to supervise the kids for a few hours! Your job is just to let go and trust that your kids will be perfectly comfortable in someone else's hands for a few hours.

3.) What always works when nothing else fits is a walk together, ideally without kids. If it doesn't work any other way, just explore nature with the kids, go for a walk, let yourselves drift; have a little picnic with you and just tell each other again how things are going in your own life.

In essence, it's about staying in touch, in visual proximity, and not moving too far away from each other and finding the way back to each other again and again. This may not work for a little while, but the will and the awareness that this has to happen again and again, this must be present in both people, otherwise it will no longer work at some point.

People who have permanently lost sight of each other have great difficulty with this, sometimes fail at it and then call it: being estranged. In one of my wonderful seminars with Jochen Windhausen (www.hoffman-prozess.de) I learned to love the metaphor that as a couple you can certainly be on the other side of a stream, each can then go his way for a while of course all alone, it is only important to look around for the other again and again and to look for his gaze, and so to accompany each other in their own way and to stay in visual contact.

Also in the name of your children I wish you from the bottom of my heart much success!

Have a wonderful day and make the most of it! Always remember: It's your decision how good the day will be.

Best wishes for a brilliant time, your Farid

 

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